Mentol rocket blast! Full & Frontal!

The expansion has been a success and we now move onto phase 8 of the plan. At least I am fairly certain this is phase 8. Things left to do this year:

1. Do our final 3 track EP for the year.
2. Do a split EP with Dass Unser so we can jettison our pop music ballast.
3. Start making preparation for what we will be up to next year.

 We’ve already got started on next year’s project and I’m confident it will be at the very least a pleasing diversion. One thing I will say is, if you haven’t got hold of anything which we’ve already done either on CD or as a download, do it before the end of the year.

Next gig is on the 19^th of October in the Lomax. We’ve got some class acts lined up, as displayed below:

It is going to be Professor Graham’s first gig with us and I am expecting you all to show him some goddamn respect. Not only is he more intelligent than you are, but he is also a professional wrestler and can probably open you up like a tin of sardines. So don’t start giving him aggro or being all up in his face because, and I am not exaggerating, he will fucking end you.

Really, I don’t know why I always have to tell you to just behave and act nice, anyone with half a brain would have learnt from the last time, but no, you just can’t help yourself. What about that butcher you were taunting last Tuesday? And that chef in the Chinese restaurant? I am not going to spend another evening in A&E waiting for you to have something else sewn up, stitched back on, pulled out or shoved back in. 

In other news: I saw my second Mock Mock Tudor house yesterday on my way to Shrewsbury. If you or anyone you know lives in a Mock Mock Tudor house I would love to meet either you or them and I woud love to love you or them even more. 

Other other news: that thing I said about these blogs happening more often: fucking lies! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAAAAAAAAAAAA!

If I let go of it for just a second we'll all be impregnated

We were trying to think of something different the other day. We are playing at the FesEvol at the The Kazimier on Saturday the 12^th of August and since we’ll be playing in the daylight we won’t have the opportunity to use the projectors. This means that we will have to rely on our own natural charm, charisma and stage presence to embellish the performance. Hmmm.

So we were thinking of ways we can do something a bit different and we pondered, stared into the middle distance, stroked our chins, made thinking noises and furrowed our brows. This is what we came up with:

1. Perform naked.
2. Get an escapologist.
3. Grow moustaches.

I think you’ll agree that’s certainly a list. As to whether the items in the list are quality items, I think the less said the better. Sometimes we come up with better ideas than this, but not this time.

If we were to be trendy zeitgeisty types, we’d put it to the vote. Except it would be a thoroughly demoralising process for all concerned no matter what the outcome was. Much like chemical warfare or the postal service.  

It’s not always easy to come up with an interesting or novel idea at the drop of a hat, although strangely enough the International Hat Dropping Championships were thought up in just that fashion. Still, relying on serendipity isn’t going to put dinner on the table or money in the bank or ducks in the pond or monkeys in the trees or fish in the sea or tassels on nipples or chips in the fryer or ground glass in the camp commandant’s mashed potatoes or Buck Rodgers in the 25^th Century. 

This effort from Geoff "Fiery" Boycott saw him lift the Chalice in 1970

What I’m saying is, if we’d had a flip chart and some pens and a day of team building exercises we might have come up with something better. So don't make the same mistake. Mashemon Inc. run a series of Action Activity Days focusing on fostering improved inter-personal team dynamics, re-balancing systemic process inequalities, providing nurture bubbles for proto-cognitive realisation gradients and facilitating non-culpable responsibility “we-states” vital in the full formation of intermeshed community zero-scale market gearing in the modern world. 

Formalising the "notion-of-us" in a respect-rhombus

Prices start at £300 per person per day. Buffet lunch and light refreshments included. Bring a change of clothing.

Ultimately it will all come down to the performance on the day. I am planning on taking one song at a time, playing the high percentage notes, keeping focussed on doing the simple stuff right and playing each ball on its merits. You simply cannot afford to make simple mistakes at this level and you should be able to clear up in one visit. Our defence is strong, we’ve been training well and Andy is getting over his groin strain. He might need a pain killing injection, but he’s a brave lad and I’m sure he’ll give 110%. As far as Mike’s upcoming trial for racism, homophobia, sexual misconduct and armed robbery is concerned, we are not making any comment at the present time. Because we’re a little scared of him. 

It's about this time of the day that I like to tell you to go and boil your head.

I saw butterflies eat flesh!

I return! Like an eel in a coracle, or a wasp in a thermos flask. I know I’ve not been getting as many posts on here as I should and I know I’ve said before that I’ll be more prolific so I’m here to tell you two things:

1. There will be more blog posts in the future
2. They will appear at a higher frequency
3. They will make less sense than ever.

You can put that in a bag and call take it to the funeral home.

Talking of funeral homes, there’s one down the road from where I live which has the most interesting exterior decoration this side of the M6. You’re all familiar with what a Tudor house looks like I presume. White walls, black beams, you might be able to summon the image in front of your mind right now. There might even be a Tudor man and Tudor woman standing outside the house. Give them a wave. Are they waving back? Try again. Anything? Probably not. Bastards. 

Oi! Big nose! Look me in the eye when you don't wave at me.

You’re also probably aware of the 20^th Century Mock-Tudor house. You know, you see them in middle-class housing estates with their black timbers and white bits of wall. There’s probably a Ford Mondeo in the drive way. Possibly a Ford Focus as well. There’s a nice couple standing outside. Give them a wave. Are they waving back? Probably not. That’s because you are too poor and they are afraid of you. If you look carefully they have both let a little bit of wee come out. 

Stop being happy and wealthy and eat your dinner.

So, we know what a Tudor house looks like, although you might be thinking of the Tudor Revival of the late 19^th and early 20^th Century. I’ll let you off this time, but my goodness you’re pushing it. One of these days we’re going to come to blows and when the punching starts I punch to maim. Not to demoralise or deter, proper horrible, brutal, nasty, ugly punches. And I’ll kick you in the balls as well. If you’re not a ball owner I’ll kick someone else in their balls and it will be all your fault. So please, just stop dicking around and pay attention. It’s your own time you’re wasting.

If I may continue. You’ve got your Tudor house and you’ve got your Mock Tudor house. Both of them involve the use of wooden beams visible on the exterior, in the Tudor house they are actually structural whereas in the Mock Tudor house they are more decorative, to give the impression of a half-timber structure.

The funeral home down the road has taken this one step further by painting on the dark timer beams. Yes, that’s right; it’s a Mock Mock Tudor building. I don’t know whether to shit myself or go blind. Suffice to say, every time I pass by I give it a round of applause.

I’m guessing that right about now you’re thinking:

 “That’s exactly the look I’ve been searching for my home. But how can someone like me ever afford to have a house like that?”

Well there’s no need to fret or sell your organs because Mashemon Property Redesign offer a wide range of exciting design possibilities for your home. With prices starting as low as £37.42 (excluding VAT) you can have the dream home you’ve always dreamed of dreaming of. Give us a call and we’ll be round in a flash. A cup of tea would be nice. White, no sugar. Thanks, sugar tits.

Parasitic Twin Cat Hats

No more gigs booked! All done and over with for a few months whilst Mike goes off to spread falafel around the country. I’m not entirely upset by this prospect. We’ve been pondering what we should do live and now is a good time to have a think and let our creative juices seep out. Of course, we’ll be reasonably careful with this creative seepage, you can’t just let it go everywhere. Unwanted creative seepage can be hazardous and shouldn’t be allowed to come into contact with certain sorts of plastic, such as polyethylene terephthalate or acrylonitrile butadiene styrene. If this does occur expect significant discolouration and possibly even sonic disruption approaching 17 microconners. Remember: aural safety is everyone’s responsibility. Be pure, be vigilant, behave.

Ok, you can put your pens down now. Let’s have a little chat. As you grow older you may notice your body begins to change in certain ways. This is no cause for alarm, unless you notice the following:

1. A strange musty odour whenever you turn around too quickly.
2. A green tinge to anything that begins with a vowel.
3. A desire to worship clouds.
4. Involuntary barking at cats.
5. Assorted monkey business.
6. Stamps.

If you notice any of the above, contact your doctor immediately and ask to be referred to the Mashemon Clinic for Inexplicable Afflictions, Mushrooming and Brain Torsion where you can be seen by one of our highly skilled specialists.

Don't worry, I've trimmed it. Pass the butter.

I’d like to talk to you today specifically about Brain Torsion. This is a rapidly growing problem in people of between your age and younger, including people who were born before you. Some academics and scientists say that Brain Torsion is caused by increased atypical sensual stimulation as a result of, but not exclusively due to:

   A. Modern fabrics.
   B. Inquisitive neighbours.
   C. Heavy, clay based soil.
   D. The presence of bats.
   Q. Persistent non-sequiturs. 
   4. Undistributed middle terms in categorical syllogisms.  
  ▲. Knees.

Brain Torsion can lead to a number of symptoms, mostly undetectable but all very serious and potentially lethal, if not extremely debilitating. If you suspect that you or a loved one may have Brain Torsion follow this simple procedure. If you can answer yes to at least 2 of the following questions there is a high chance that it is unlikely that either you or your loved ones may have not developed or are in the process of developing the pre-symptomatic symptoms of someone in a post-tensioning situation, or Pre-Brain-Torisional-Tensioning to use its technical term.

Apple:          Are you or the person you are examining breathing in the same direction you or they are facing?

Orange:         Do you or the person you are examining mistake numbers for the names of fruit?

Cantaloupe:   Ever fallen in love with someone you shouldn’t have fallen in love with?

Banana:         Do you remember the first time?

Pear:             Can you remember a worse time?

If you answered yes to any or all of these questions then you need to contact the Mashemon Clinic immediately. Don’t even bother with your doctor, you’re too far gone and he won’t believe a word you say, even if he can understand you because right now you’re probably spouting utter gibberish.

To contact the Mashemon Clinic for Inexplicable Afflictions, Mushrooming and Brain Torsion call the number below:

Telephone:

If you cannot see the number then may God have mercy on us all because chances are you are probably.

Lemon scented crack den

The dust has settled around the Kompressor EP then. We’ve had some good reviews of the opening night here:

http://www.peterguy.merseyblogs.co.uk/2012/03/mashemon-dass-unser-so-sexual.html

and here:

http://mangoneblog.tumblr.com/post/20123960451/review-mashemon-ep-launch-saturday-17-03-12

Seba Rashii supplied a glowing review of the EP:

http://seba-rashii.blogspot.co.uk/2012/04/reviewmashemon-kompressor-ep.html

And with that brief flurry it’s all gone silent. The world has spun and more important things have occurred. So rather than pine for our brief moment in the sun we’ve started planning our next release.

In their rawest form the plans are as follows:

• Another 4 track EP and accompanying gig.
• Some videos featuring actual band members in motion.
• Some web-based performances for you to cut out, keep and touch yourself to.
• A gig on a zeppelin floating over the great cities of Europe.
• The grand opening of the “Mashemon Boutique of Perversion” Fetish Emporium.

I admit that some of these events are more likely than others and I wouldn’t be so bold as to put a time scale on any of it, but I will say that the EP and videos will be done in a matter of months. The other stuff may take a little longer.

We have a gig coming up in the Zanzibar on the 4^th of May. A good slot as well, at 10.00pm. So you have plenty of time to lose your inhibitions beforehand. Apparently we will be acquiring some tickets, so get in contact via Facebook if you want one.

Tomorrow we will be attending the Record Store Day Band Fair at FACT to distribute some of the final copies of the Kompressor EP. Come along and get one while there are physical copies left. Kicks off at 2pm.

This must be one of the most sensible posts I have ever done. It is full of actual information that may be of interest and use to people. I don’t know if this bodes well. I’ll have to start concocting something opaque and obtuse as soon as possible.

When the red light is on all debauchery must cease

I was standing in the Lomax late on Saturday night, sweaty and not wearing any trousers feeling very pleased with myself, despite having cocked up the beginning of the last song, just like I said I would. Next time I might try saying “I will now play this song perfectly” and see what happens. Probably end up setting myself on fire or falling out of a moving vehicle or tipping scalding hot soup into my lap or getting my head caught in a bear trap.

The sound was brilliant, all the bands were superb, the crowd were lovely and we wiggled our fingers, flapped our jaws and waved our arms in the correct ways to get the music to come out. We managed to assemble a top notch-bill again and they all put in great performances. Well done Faded Gold, So Sexual and Dass Unser and also to Frank and his excellent team at the Lomax. Kings and Queens all.

Despite starting the musical preparations at about half past three in the afternoon and spending a fair amount of time walking backwards and forwards through the St Patrick’s Day revellers whilst carrying our heavy pieces of equipment, by the time I got on stage I was feeling remarkably chipper. I got my second wind somewhere between the stroke of ten and plugging in my guitar. Of course, if you had drawn me aside and offered me a comfy chair, a cup of tea and a slice of cake then I don’t know what would have happened but it wouldn’t have been rock and it wouldn’t have been roll.

What could be counted as rock and roll was the amount of hairspray I had used to keep my wayward barnet in good order. Earlier that day I had decided to get another haircut but, breaking with tradition, I didn’t go in, slump in the chair and express in exasperated terms that all I wanted was for them to make me beautiful. This time I went to a place on Picton Road run by a nice chap called Ken. I said “take an inch off all of it” and he did just that. Who would have thought it could be that easy? Satisfied with the job he had done I decided that I would get the damn thing to obey me for once, so I subjugated it brutally.

Another thing that might qualify was the colour of nail varnish I decided to use. Not sure of the name, but it matched my tie, which is the colour of lip stick worn by women of ill repute in BBC 2 dramas from the 1980s. You know the sort of thing, the colour of lip stick on investment bankers’ shirt collars and on the rim of martini glasses. Dennis Potter would probably have approved.

Reading back over those two paragraphs makes me wonder whether I have any repressed issues that need addressing. I’m thinking no.

Hairspray and red might make you think I looked like Robert Smith. I did not look like Robert Smith. Saw him on the telly the day after the gig and came to the conclusion that his hair isn’t quite what it used to be. It was all grey and wispy and I’m sure it kept going in his mouth whilst he was singing. I’m not one to ever say to or about another person that they should get a hair cut, but Robert, darling, I know this guy who’ll take an inch off it all and it will look faaaabulous.

So after the gig, back upstairs, getting out of my suit, I found myself trouserless , sweaty and pleased. Not in the way you’re thinking, I was by myself. And not in that way either. For gawd’s sake. I’m a human being not a lump of meat.

A lump of meat with a cracking ass. I digress.

When I came back down all the new EPs were gone, most of the people were gone and we had to begin the process of lugging stuff back round the corner to Crash Studios. Whilst I was carrying my guitar amp’s speaker cabinet I got stuck behind too slow moving lesbians with matching Mohawks. They apologised when they noticed me huffing and puffing behind them, which was very nice. The same can’t be said for the pile of botoxed and silicone boobed harridans heaped on the corner by the Lisbon who were swaying backwards and forwards and shrieking and shrieking and shrieking and shrieking and shrieking and shrieking. They just stood there swaying, an immovable Wall of Crass. I would have ploughed through the middle of them, but they seemed to tessellate so perfectly there was no gap or crevice to be seen.

As it were..

So I went around, stepped in a puddle of something icky and lumpy and cursed St Patrick and all his little wizards. Later that night I drank a glass of Château Neuf Du Pap and praised Satan for inventing the custard doughnut.

I think that sums it up perfectly.  

I am inviting molestation wearing these dungarees

I have in my hand a copy of our new creation – Kompressor the EP. I’m very pleased. It’s a quality piece of merchandise for sure.

It would not be going too far to say that making it was the most enjoyable time I have ever spent in a recording studio. I don’t tend to like recording studios; they’ve never been the most welcoming of places I find. You do your turn and beetle off to a corner and do something unobtrusive until the grownups are finished. Thankfully Andy is nice and patient and even tolerated me taking forever to do simple things properly.

Looking back over the past 2 and a bit years we have produced a lot of stuff for an unsigned band. Including the Kompressor EP, we’ve recorded and released 19 songs, all beautifully packaged and presented. There’s not a lot of people can say that. Lots of videos on youtube as well. I’m proud of what we’ve done and I don’t say that lightly. Sometimes it has been a bit frustrating because it seems that we don’t get the attention I think we deserve, but then I am biased. You’ll forgive me for that, you always do and that is because you’re a good person.

That’s why it has been particularly gratifying to have seen some good previews for the EP Launch gig this Friday in the Lomax from Sevenstreets, Double Negative and Bido Lito as well as getting a mention on Dave Monk’s Radio Merseyside show and being unsigned band of the week on Chris Currie’s show on 7 Waves Radio. That’s more attention then we’re used to and it feels really good.

Hopefully people will come along and have a great time. It’s a top notch bill and you’ll be walking away with a lovely EP. What would be even better is if everyone who took a CD came and found us on facebook and soundcloud, downloaded some more music and let us know they were enjoying it. I don’t see anything wrong in saying we all need a little affirmation now and again. 

Of course, if you’re feeling generous or you just can’t hold it in I’m always open to adulation, worship and reverence. If you feel the need to touch me you can. I have healing properties. My bath water can heal the blind and cure dysentery. Doves love me, as do rabbits and ponies. Walt Disney based Snow White on me and I have a cracking pair of buttocks.

For all these reasons and more I urge you to come and do something worthwhile with your Saturday night. Come to the Lomax, feel the warm glow of my glory, bask in it. Maybe tell someone you love them and then kiss them, with tongues. Unless they don’t want to. Always a good idea to be sure. If you’re not sure how to be sure, Mashemon have a pamphlet available called:

“When people are interested in your kisses: Know the signs!”

I wrote it. I have a success rate of nearly 83% when it comes to kissing. What’s your success rate? If it’s over 50%, congratulations! You’re not evil.

I'll bring the porcelain crotch, you supply the copper flange.

Our first gig of the year was not a solid gold success. Sometimes the stars align to make everything occur in perfect synchronisation, yielding happiness and bliss for all. Sometimes the stars align, again in perfect synchronisation, to produce a demonic shit storm that leaves you really, really tired. And shitty.

I’m sad to say the stars were arranged against us.

We’re easy going guys, us Mashemons. We like to be helpful, polite and generally genial. Smooth the way and all that. So when we heard that our gig at the Threshold festival was at 1 o’clock in the morning we dutifully swallowed our fears and got on with it. Either no one would be there or everyone would be there, so you never know. Next up we found out the sound check was at 12.30pm. A good 11 and a half hours away from our slot.

“Crikey” we said, “that’s something”.

Still, we sucked up our bellies and turned up and did our thing and went off to meditate and practice our kung-fu. And watch Liverpool’s pathetic performance against Manchester United.

We met up in the evening to pootle along to the festival and catch some of the acts. We saw The Left Hand, who were very good. We saw some other stuff, which I didn’t understand. And by not understanding I don’t mean to say that they were dealing in musical concepts which were beyond my comprehension, I mean “I don’t understand why they are here playing to these people whilst we have to wait until 1 o’clock in the morning to play to no one at all". 

It surprised me:

I once saw a Kiss Tribute band. Ronnie Barker was Gene Simmons. 100% of FACT.

We got to the Elevator bar at about 10.30pm. There were probably about 40 people in at the time. Not sure who played. But about 20% of the crowd left. Then another band, who did for another 20%. Repeat. By the time we went on there was only two punters remaining, one of whom was the redoubtable and indefatigable Tony, the power behind the excellent Liverpool Bands website and facebook page, who had come all the way from Yorkshire and had hung on to see us. We finally got on the stage at 1.30am and started playing at 1.40am. It was not a vintage performance, but we got through everything facing the right way and without any accidents. Well done us.

The sound guys seemed to enjoy it. The bar staff seemed to enjoy it, our much put-upon and abused venue liaison lady enjoyed it and Tony enjoyed it. We spread a little happiness. Well done everyone.

Am I keen to do it again? Not if the stars align in the same way. Am I disappointed that yet again we get stiffed in the scheduling department; yes I am.

Am I looking forward to tonight’s performance in the Lomax, which we organised ourselves? Sweet Jesus Corbett yes I am. I’m going to rock my prosthetic cock off. You see if I don’t.

Relentlessly fabulous gravy training.

Thought I would give the New Year a chance to show me what it’s got before I started blathering on about anything. So far it has shown me nothing that previous years haven’t. January is cold and I’m broke. Thanks 2012, I see, I see very well.

In music news we’ve been beavering away recording stuff in Andy’s studio and it is sounding pretty immense. We still have some mixing to do and some artwork to finalise but the final thing should be ready in March. And in March we will be doing a gig in the Lomax to launch it. You heard it here first, unless you already knew, in which case you didn’t. If you feel the need to tell me that you already knew then feel free but know this: I already knew you knew. How does knowing that make you feel? Guess what: I already know.

Our plans have changed somewhat from before. Instead of one album for 2012 we’ll be doing two EPs. Track listing for the first one is:

1. Curtains
2. Kompressor
3. Frank Bloke
4. Suburban Regeneration Project
5. Wear and Replace

That’s a preliminary running order there, so don’t be surprised if it changes. That’s what you’re getting though and it is going to rock your little corner of the world. If you listen to it. It is primarily an aural experience. So if you’re not going to listen to it don’t come crying to me if you find your world has not been rocked. Of course if it does rock your world and you haven’t actually listened to it I would like to know what you were doing with it in order for that to happen. If you want to send photographic evidence feel free.

We’re also lining up to play in the Lomax on the 17^th of February. Not sure quite who will be on, but I need to get out and make some noise. I can hear my suit sobbing in the wardrobe, it keeps asking me why we don’t go out anymore. There’s only so many times you can tell a suit to be patient and I think we are nearing that number. Poor thing. It misses the excitement, the tension and the heavy lifting. So come along and make my suit feel wanted and loved. It thrives on affirmation.